Wednesday, 18 December 2013

Hampsdead?



Remorse & Gloom RIP.

I hate to be the voice of Doom & Gloom just before Christmas yet, with the pub of the same name being converted into another well needed estate agent's office; the Creperie de Hampstead opening only on weekends; Ye Olde White Bear - yes, I still defiantly call it that - potentially turning into a millionaire's pied de terre; The Vortex de Rosslyn Arms being left to rot indefinitely and Hampstead police station being very, very closed indeed, I think it's safe to say, Hampstead's having a rather shitty Crimbo this year.
    Yes, the Doom & Gloom hasn't been the Doom & Gloom, or even the Remorse & Gloom for some time but, whilst a public venue, there was at least a semblance of hope. Now, with it definitely turning into an estate agent's office, all hope for it - and I dare say Hampstead - is dashed.
    Having just published my first book, Hampstead Faces, Volume I, it would be a pity for my next to be titled something like Hampstead, Death of a London Village. Yet if Her Majesty's Government, Corporation of London, Scamden, Tesco and the Ministry of Cube Building have anything to do with it - that book may well yet find its way onto the shelves of Waterstones one day soon.

A Merry Christmas to you all,

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein,
Editor under a Hampstead Pond.

Friday, 6 December 2013

We Love Mr. Louis!



This is where to get the best mince pies in the world.

Thank you so much, Mr. Louis, for a beautiful tea and the best mince pies in the world this afternoon. It was both a pleasure and an honour to have tea with you today.
    I'm going to make a point of frequenting your lovely patisserie and one of the last bastions of tranquility and civilisation in Hampstead on a regular basis, henceforth. We Love Louis!!!!! Go to Louis!!! Viva Louis!!!

See you all there,

Emmanuel 'Mustafa' Goldstein.
Editor at Louis.

Thursday, 5 December 2013

Down and Out In The Soviet Gulag...



Nelson Mandela R.I.P.

I am writing this the morning after Nelson Mandela died, which makes the Hampstead Faces gathering at West End Lane Books last night seem like rather an insignificant event. 
   The truth be known, it felt somewhat insignificant even though the dozen or so who'd braved the cold were, apparently, oblivious to the passing of a Twentieth Century icon. I certainly was.
   Quite possibly the small attendance was down to Mr. Mandela leaving his 'earth suit' aged 95 that evening, the cold weather or a combination of the two. Historic occasions, expected or not, will keep people planted in front of the telly on cold nights. 
    But I reckon the relatively poor showing might also have been down to what is, with liitle doubt, the huge cultural divide between Hampstead and West Hampstead. That is, that very few West Hampsteadites give a shit about Hampstead. Indeed someone suggested that we were in 'enemy territory'. It was, at least, very much an away fixture. A bit like Burnley v Arsenal on a cold winter's night.
   After all, there must have been nearly two hundred people at Waterstones for the book's launch in Hampstead two months ago. Tonight there were only around twelve, one of whom was clearly a suffering alcoholic with horribly filthy finger-nails who came in off the street and kept spilling his beer all over the shop's Parquet floor. 
   After I'd read the passage about Bronco from the book, this fellow felt at liberty to share with us all, at length, a tearful sob story about one of his old West Hampstead drinking buddies. 
   Remarkably, we all stood there listening to him for a full five minutes as the tears welled up in his eyes. To be fair to him, although I loathe the sight of a drunk old git hi-jacking my book reading, at least he made some sort of effort and seemed to inspire a couple of others to share their Bronco stories.    
   Realising this was not to be a best-selling day for Hampstead Faces - as almost everyone who'd made the trip from Hampstonia already had at least one copy - I resorted to picking up my guitar and singing George Harrison's For You Blue. 
   Fortunately this went down rather well, although, after the first verse,  three interlopers - obviously grimy, professional book-launch red wine free-loaders - left without so much as a by-your-leave.       
   Almost immediately, a large, lonely looking woman in a big stripy jumper entered the shop, put down her bags and helped herself to a glass of wine: it was almost as though free-loaders in West Hampstead have some sort of shift-rota in operation. And there in lies the cultural divide between Hampstead and The Soviet Gulag. 


Hampstead doesn't sell around here. 

Not one copy of my book was sold... Not one! A woman did come up to me to announce, 'Great, I've done my entire Christmas shopping here tonight, isn't it marvellous -  I've bought five books'. Unfortunately, not one of them was a copy of Hampstead Faces. At least West End Lane Books made a few bob. The staff there are all so nice and deserved something out of the evening.
   I must admit to feeling somewhat down and out in the Soviet Gulag of Whampers, yet quite relieved not to have wasted too much money on mince pies. I'd considered getting them from Louis but had, instead, shrewdly opted for Sainsbury's Basics on the grounds that they weren't too crumbly. And at £2.50 for 18 mince pies I felt delightfully Scrooge-like. The Soviets weren't complaining.
   I doubt though, even if the mince pies had been from Louis, I'd have sold any books. So, with a West Hampstead estate agent supplying the wine - there was even champagne, the Village Voice only ended up about £15 poorer on the night. 
   A small price to pay compared to the 27 years spent in an apartheid prison, the ultimate sacrifice made by Mr. Nelson Mandela who, although he probably never had the pleasure of a Louis mince pie, fought valiantly against a most hideous of evils and won: a most worthwhile innings, sir. The world is indebted to you.
  
Toodle Pip!

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein
Editor in Exile.




Hampstead Village Voice Crimbo Party



Danny of West End Lane Books sporting a copy of Hampstead Faces.


Yeah, alright... It's a conspiracy. We want to sell some books and magazines and are using Christmas in order to lull you all down to West End Lane Books in order to buy signed copies. Not only are we the evil capitalist conspirators consistently criticised (Ed. now that's what I call alliteration) in the Hampstead Village Voice, but also the most horrid of hypocrites for doing so... But now having come out honestly about it, although still evil, capitalist hypocrites, we are at least honest, evil capitalist hypocrites. 


Capitalist, Us? Never! Signed copies of Hampstead Faces Volume I will make the perfect Hampstead Christmas gift priced £12.99... er, Comrades.


See you at West End Lane Books tonight at 7.30pm for tea, wine, beer, mince pies and seasonal banter. 

Toodle Pip and Merry 5th of December, not even vaguely Christmas.

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein x
Editor in Exile in the Soviet Gulag of Whampers.

Wednesday, 6 November 2013

SUB-MISSIVE HAMPSTEAD


WE CAN SMELL IT ALREADY...
McCRACKDONALD'S TO GIVE WAY TO SUB-STANDARD SANDWICH?


It isn't even open and we can smell it already. The above, somewhat misleading poster might have builders wandering aimlessly around Hampstead for days.


by Emmanuel 'Mustafa' Goldstein.

It would appear McCrackDonald's regular advertisement on a redundant Hampstead telephone box has been superseded by one for the even smellier fast-food outlet, Subway. 
    Unless, as the wholly inaccurate arrow pictured above suggests, Subway intends to move into Gap Kids or Barclays Bank, it is an obvious clue as to the identity of the new tenants of Ronald McDonald's 'Crack House'.
   According to the Hampstead Village Voice’s High Street Spy, the venue, which previously played host to both Pizzaland and Europa Foods, has always been home to somewhat smelly and down-market establishments. So it appears that 'why change the habit of a lifetime' is the motto of the landlords at 46 Hampstead High Street.
   A spokesman for the Metropolitan Borough of Hampstead admitted, “It would probably have been better off staying as a McDonald’s. Whenever one goes into or near a Subway anywhere in the world it smells ghastly… quite repulsive. What on earth do they put in their food?”
   William Ill’s across the road now have Subway at 1/100 to take over, so if you want a Big Crack and Flies you’d better hurry on over to Ronnie’s now. 

I never thought I'd say this, but We'll almost miss McCrackDonalds.

Emmanuel 'Mustafa' Goldstein is the author of the new book Hampstead Faces, Volume 1, available at all Hampstead book shops now. http://www.hampstonian.co.uk/page_2981086.html


Friday, 18 October 2013

Happy Hampstead Faces...


Pic: Gordon Rondelle Hawtin
A Happy Hampstead Face.

That's what we like to see. A 'appy 'ampstead face coming out of Waterstones with his copy of the Hampstead Village Voice. For even with estate agents, developers, builders, leaf blowers and ambulance sirens doing their worst to ruin the serenity of our old homestead, Hampstead is still a wondrous and happy place to be.
   This splendid photo was taken by Gordon 'Rondelle' Hawtin who, whilst at the launch of my book Hampstead Faces Volume I, recently shared with me his frustration at nearly having snapped the best photo ever but... 'then a load of people suddenly turned up at the crucial moment.' I know the feeling only too well but think it's a lovely photo.
   And, by the way, what a launch it was. Thanks all who made it such a great night and thanks too to all those who couldn't make it but wrote in with kind, enthusiastic words including that magic phrase: "but I did go and buy the book!"
   
Incidentally, there's a very nice story by Richard Olsely in the current Camden New Journal about the book and yours truly in general. If you're a New York Times reader stuck in some swish bar uptown and can't get a hard copy of the CNJ, think "Camden Town" and click here: CNJ Review of Hampstead Faces Volume 1.

All the best and Toodle-Pip!

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein x,
Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein.
Enemy of Big Brother until he pays me enough...

Thursday, 3 October 2013

Liam Gallagher 10/1, Jonathan Ross 12/1, Bronco 1000000/1



The back page of Hampstead Faces Volume 1.


The first, limited edition of the new book's ready for publication and will be in Hampstead bookshops and a few selected newsagents from the 15th of October 2014. 
   Red wine, lemonade and onion bhaji's are a strong possibility if you attend the launch on Tuesday the 15th of October 2013. But get there before 7.15pm or you might be left with a medium sized cappuccino from Waterstones' new café.
   Unsurprisingly, there are some rather well known Hampsteadites who feature in the book so William Hill are taking bets on a H-list celebrity turn out:

Jon Moss 1/2, Giles Coren, Tony Parsons and Henry Kelly Evens, Lisa Stansfield and Nicky Horne 2/1, David Baddiel 3/1, John Alderton 7/2, Boy George 11/2, Liam Gallagher 10/1, Jonathan Ross 12/1, Robert Powell 15/1, Patrick Vieira 25/1, Cesc Fabregas 50/1, Stevie Wonder 500/1, Bronco and Peter Cook returning from the dead to make a last minute surprise visit and commentate 1000000/1. All bets will naturally be placed by Rainbow George who himself comes in at 3/1.
   
See you there and Toodle Pip!

E.M. Goldstein x
Emmanuel "Mustafa" Goldstein
Enemy of Big Brother.
PS. Consider your Christmas shopping done for a mere £12.99 folks!

Wednesday, 7 August 2013

Hampstead Faces, nearly finished...



Just a some dotting of i's and crossing of t's to do and then my new book, Hampstead Faces will be off to the printers in September.
    It'll probably look like it wrote itself once it's on the shelves of Waterstones on the 15th of October but like all good things it took a fair bit off effort.
    There's plenty of gratuitous name dropping in it (well, you gotta sell a few copies, in't ya) and some rather amusing personal stories and anecdotes about Hampstonian yokels great and small. Oh, and lot's of rather lovely pictures too.
    The gist of the book? I took loads of photo's of Hampsteadites then wrote about them. A simple enough idea but rather effective, I'm sure you'll agree.

Toodle-Pip!

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein x
Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein
Enemy of Big Brother (when it suits him).

Friday, 24 May 2013

Well earned Berlin Sabbatical



Having written much of, edited all and distributed edition 18 of the Hampstead Village Voice I find myself over-worked, over-caffeinated and over here in Berlin where I shall now relax for a week and spend a little time with my dear old mum.
    As I write, the birds are tweeting happily outside and I shall shortly go for a stroll around Berlin's version of The Vale of Health, namely Hertha See where there are no nudists but a couple of very pleasant looking swans.
    Thanks to Richard Osley of the Camden New Journal for his fine words about the Hampstead Village Voice and the disarming interview we had with Giles "Chopper" Coren, who is currently mourning the demotion of his beloved Queens Park Rangers F.C.

Do give it a butcher's...

http://richardosley.wordpress.com/2013/05/23/giles-coren-the-village-voice-and-the-price-of-journalism/

Walkies!

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein
Editor in Exile.

Tuesday, 7 May 2013

What's in Edition 18?



WHSMITH at the Royal Free Hospital now sells the 
Hampstead Village Voice.


Dearest Hampsters,

As well as the usual outlets, edition 18 will also be available at WHSMITH at the Royal Free Hospital from Wednesday the 15th of May 2013. So now even illness and injury can be a joyous experience. Indeed, I was in there to check my eye-sight recently which is probably why the above picture ended up out of focus.


What's in edition 18?

There'll be an extra 4 pages in this edition to accommodate a rather dramatic and entertaining five-page interview with Giles Coren, guaranteed to rock your boat and annoy various individuals including his sister, various estate agents, the Polish Foreign Minister and Chelsea fans (Ed. What a combination).

Both Scamden's Planning and Press departments get a right roasting for being the complete incompetents they are in the stories Scamdengate and Pravda and the über-development of what was once a quiet, peaceful Hampstonia is covered at length, including the story by Hampstead Harridan of a retired couple about to enjoy the delights of living in a building site on Templewood Avenue.

We have a stern look at how Transport for London has managed to extort over £100 million from the public: the biggest scam in the history of London's public transport, not least because no one seems to have noticed it.

Oh, and the new Hampstead to West Hampstead bus link, including the controversial new terminus in Well Walk, is unveiled in all its glory on pages one and eleven.

And, as usual, the High Street Spy, Klaus von Kunst, Fox News and Hampstonianism will be at your disposal.

Can I go now?

Toodle Pip!

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein
Enemy of Big Brother








Tuesday, 30 April 2013

Edition 18 in shops from 15th of May 2013.




Conrad Schumann jumps over the Finchley Road Wall and escapes to Hampstonia and freedom! 


Calling all Hampsters!

I'm pleased to report, Edition 18 of the Hampstead Village Voice is almost ready and will be in the shops from the 15th of May 2013.

Here's a little taster....

On the Soviet Gulag of West Hampstead

"...For here the Victory Gin doth flow most freely; the proles mill about aimlessly between the Overground, Underground and Thameslink and my East German neighbour, Comrade Hauptmann Gerd Wiesler has already reported me to the authorities for watching television after 7pm and opening the bedroom window after midnight on hot nights. 
     According to Comrade Wiesler, such ordinary Hampstonian activities are considered Noise-Crime in West Hampstead. I kid you not my fellow Hampstonian, the Stasi are on to you as soon as you cross that dreaded Finchley Road Wall.
    So grim is a life in the Soviet Gulag that alcoholism, drug use, suicide and tax evasion are as rife as psychatric help is scarce. And so I will make haste in returning to Hampstonia as soon as I can smuggle myself into the boot of someone's Mercedes Benz. For the Lives of Others is not for me: it’s for others...."


Your very own,

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein,
Enemy of Big Brother.

Thursday, 21 February 2013

SCAMDENGATE.



Heath Street: pointing out the obvious...

Against the advise of sub-editor Professor P. Dant, we've been tying posters above Scamden's HOW DOES THIS AFFECT YOU notices in order to highlight the absurdity of its planning permission proliferation.

As pointed out in the current edition of the Hampstead Village Voice, there are so many of these A4 notices flapping about - and rarely for the common good - that naturally, we thought this needed pointing out. 

Featuring Ken Pyne's splendid cartoon, this dramatic urban guerilla style activity was inspired by the council falsifying evidence in order to allow Heath Street estate agent, TK Inyertesticles, change of use (p.11). 

Ken Pyne's splendid cartoon


Yes this is personal

Compounded by the enforced exile of yours truly to the Soviet Gulag of West Hampstead (p.7) after yet more over-development below and above Casa Goldstein, I felt it my duty to point out that Hampstead has become but a Monopoly board and Scamden are, more than allegedly, in on the deal.

The professor has warned me that, despite Scamden being the chief perpetrators and 'example setters' of said misdemeanour, we may still be hit with a £5000 fine for "fly posting". 

Fortunately, I don't exist and even if I did I don't have £5000 and even if I did, I wouldn't give it to those blighters. Besides, Scamden would be foolish to further publicise what was, after all, a response to the dubious, if not dishonest, analysis which led to the TK Inyertesticles change of use.

Scamden council? foolish? Never. 

Viva Hampstonia, land of the not so free!

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein x x x
Editor in exile.


Friday, 25 January 2013

Edition 17 Available Now While Shops Last!



Scamdengate: Kenwood and Goldstein on the blower to Scamden Head Office

Well, it may not be Watergate but the story on page 11 of the newly published Hampstead Village Voice has certainly exposed some wholly unacceptable goings on in Heath Street. 

In order to protect our source, known only as ScamThroat, we can't reveal any more at this juncture. Indeed, this story's so hot, our investigative journalists Kenwood and Goldstein have turned it over to the High Street Spy.

The question is, 'Did Scamden Council falsify evidence in order to break its own rules allowing estate agent, TK Inyertesticles to take over a Heath Street retail shop?

The answer is in the Hampstead Village Voice edition 17, available now while shops last!

Toodle Pip!

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein,
Editor in exile.

Wednesday, 16 January 2013

Edition 17 is at the printers!



The contents page of the next Hampstead Village Voice (edition 17) out on Friday 25th of January.


Phew! Now I can relax and let go of that PMT (Pre-Magazine Tension).

Yes, another little miracle of localist publishing is on its way into the safe hands of The Magazine Printing Company and will be in all good Hampstead newsagents, Waterstones and Budgens by Friday the 25th of January.

In the meantime, have a butcher's at the contents page above to get yourselves into the mood...

Toodle pip!

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein x
Editor about to have a well earned lunch.