Monday, 31 December 2012

Happy New Year, Gringo Starr?



The Weichmann Hotel, Amsterdam.

Although, I have just returned from Amsterdam, I didn't stay at the Weichmann Hotel. At least not on this visit, but it was there in 1979 at the tender age of fourteen I met up with a rather wild rock'n'roll band from New York called, wait for it... Stumblebunny, and my life was to take something of a dramatic turn. But enough of the memoirs - which, if ever I sell the Hampstead Village Voice for a princely sum - will be published whilst we're all still all alive.

Meanwhile, running two magazines (and a locals loyalty card scheme) leaves little time for writing memoirs - let alone novels, but it will be done! I do love Hampstead and the mags, but have a feeling in my loins that there are bigger fish to fry in the not too distant future.

My plan is to sell the magazine empire (Ed. Errr, 14 newsagents, a supermarket and a book shop. Empire?) whilst continuing to only edit the Hampstead Village Voice on a semi-relaxed, part-time basis thus allowing me to write a thrilling book or two or even three.

What was it someone said about God laughing at our plans?

More importantly, I shall be attending a small private concert tonight with some guitarist geezer and his mates. Eric somebody or other... Clackton? Clapham? You know, that bloke who ran off with George's missus. I'm even hoping Gringo Starr might also be there as, if he isn't, I'll have something to be disappointed about (Ed - How very Ringo of you).

In the meantime, I better had go and humbly check the poster-boards haven't been hijacked by the Daily Torygraph, Financial Crimes or Himm & Heil Express... Splitters!

Toodle Pip,

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein
Enemigo de Gran Hermano

Friday, 21 December 2012

Base, Hampstead, London, Airstrip One.



Base - A splendid lunch buffet

Yes, my New Years resolution is to spend money only at independent businesses in Hampstead throughout 2013. No Stressco, Scrooge, Sneero or Arsefcuks for me. I'm going to prove it's possible with my Hampstead Village Card, dammit! Join me fellow Hampstonians or continue to contribute to the Chain-store Massacre. It's your choice.

Starting to walk the walk already avec said Card. Actually, I didn't bother taking it out for 24p off a £2.45 cappuccino at Base, from where I am writing this. I could have but thought 24p wasn't worth it. Will certainly do so when next I have a more substantial luncheon which, incidentally, is very good here (Ed. You stupid fool! 24p x 365 days = £87.50).

Off up to La Gaffe now to continue writing and editing the next edition of the Hampstead Village Voice from my McLaptop. It's filling up nicely and ought to be an amusing read. Could have done without Christmas... blasted thing always gets in the way.

Jesus! Literally...

Merry Thingamy and Toodle-Pip!

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldenbollocks x,
Editor in Thong. 






Saturday, 15 December 2012

Berlin 16.12.12 And Now for The News



Fox News

It's very late in the bünker. A good day. Completed Fox News and Dr. Klaus Von Kunst's pages. Klausy has outdone himself this time. A really good piece. Still waiting to hear from the Midfield General who has threatened to write something and have to get started on the advertising side of things. May need to go to 40 pages for this edition due to the space taken up promoting the Hampstead Village Card.

Popped into Wilmersdorfer Platz and purchased 7 winter socks for €6 and two jumpers for €19 a piece in C & A. They still have C & A and Woolworths in Berlin. Also went to the Jade Massage in Mehringdamm. You lie on a bed of warm 'rollers' and it uses your own body weight to massage you. 30 minutes for €8. Most splendid.

Time for that late night cup of tea, a piece of cake and classic film again. I think tonight, Kubrick's 2001 A Space Odyssey or maybe just an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Oh, and a song I co-wrote some years ago called has been re-released by an act called SUNWAY in Miami. I noticed there were no writers credits anywhere on iTunes or YouTube and when I had the gall to ask why via the artists YouTube page, was scalded in an email from the producer for being 'uncool'. I've been out of the music business for so long I'd forgotten the etiquette and that one is supposed to be 'cool'. Oh well. Here's Broken Heart, it's rather nice:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=78zh-F3V8xs&sns=em

I sent an apologetic email and the artist has now added the songwriter credits which I think was rather nice of them.

D.I.S.C.O.

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein x
Editor in hot-pants

Broken Heart, Music & Lyrics by: Joerg Alfter, Juergen Hallfell, Sebastian Wocker (Chrysalis/BMG)




Friday, 14 December 2012

Still Berlin 15.12.12 1.45am



"And remember... Keep 'em Peeled"

It's 1.45 am (Berlin Time). Quite exhausted. Have been editing away at two stories on Hampstead Police Station and one about a man with a megaphone and am ready for a cup of tea and half an hours mindless telescreen before retiring. 

One of the stories is by retired ex-copper and local Hampstonian, Barry Doble. A very decent fellow of the old school with a good insight into where it's all gone wrong. It's interesting to see how horribly wrong it has gone. How Airstrip One's (Britain's) infrastructure seems to have collapsed almost completely. Policing is a good case in point here. And Barry's report, comparing Hampstead Police Station in 1970 to that of the present day is a stark and obvious indicator of Airstrip One's s slow and painful demise.  

The second story by a Hampstead local Lord Winston Montgomery-Baden Powell III who confesses to being slightly politically right of Genghis Kahn and likes nothing more than popping into a police station to report some felon or other will either need chopping or some radically leftist editors comments to prevent people from thinking they're reading the Daily Hate Mail. That having been said, he makes some pertinent points.

There's also an excellent piece, also involving the police (Ed. Cor blimey, they're really getting a run for their money in this edition) from love revolutionary and 'spiritual entertainer', Danny Shine, the man with the megaphone. That is he did have a megaphone but someone pinched it, hence the police, but more importantly his imaginary friend... it's a bit complicated. But a bloody good story.

All that and more to look forward to in edition 17 of the Hampstead Village Voice folks.

Right, off to tea and telescreen (will watch the second half of Dangerous Liaisons which I started yesterday... So not too mindless. It's the tea and biscuit that I'm really looking forward to (Leibniz Chocolate - by Jove the Germans do make a good biscuit... eat your heart out Mr. Kipling).

Toodle Pip!

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein,
Enemy of Big Brother




Thursday, 13 December 2012

Berlin 13.12.2012



The Battle of Bay Tree Lodge

I have been reading the Orwell Diaries and have been inspired to restart my late night blog from a Bünker in Berlin. It's currently -3°c and the snow has settled firmly onto a layer of compound ice. 

Only went out once today to take a large coffee and two bread rolls with cheese and salami for €3.70 at the local bakery. The girl there was apologetic about the special deal going up from €3.25. Laughable to a Londoner. Even more laughable to a Hampsteadite.

The bus was 3 minutes early and I scalded the bus driver. This being Berlin in Winter, I'd timed my journey to the bus-stop to be there two minutes early so as not to freeze for more time than was necessary. One can normally set one's watch to a German bus timetable so for a bus to leave one minute early is seen as a heinous and contemptible crime. Had I missed it, it might have meant a needless 10 minutes in the bitter cold. Laughable in London - but the going rate here, I assure you.

Managed to sculpt four pages of the next Hampstead Village Voice which I'm hopeful will go down rather well with the natives. Have invented a scheme effectively reversing inflation if one shops only with local independents. Inflation currently stands at 2.8% so with 10% off, Hampsteadites will enjoy deflation of 7.2% if they use our card. Completed four pages about that today.

Tony Parsons kindly donated a rather good rant and Ken Pyne a splendid cartoon to accompany it. Another page, so five today.

Yesterday was the 12th of the 12th 2012 and the last time in our lifetimes there will be such a date. 

Oh yes, the The Battle of Bay Tree Lodge. Two pages of leader comment on how tenants are treated as second class citizens in modern day Airstrip One citing my own exile from Hampstead as a result of said battle. I think it came out rather well, but let's see what you think. That's seven pages including yesterday.

Like British Rail used to say, when there was such a thing, "We're getting there."

Ought to be published in late January of 2013.

Toodle Pip!

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein x
Enemy of Big Brother



Tuesday, 20 November 2012

Help Preserve Hampstead's Unique Character




Yours truly has been running around Hampstead setting up the Hampstead Village Card with local, independent businesses this week.

The idea is to encourage locals to choose these local businesses over the faceless multinationals and in so doing protect Hampstead from the "disease" that is turning most of Airstrip One (Britain) into a generic, robotic, corporate shopping mall.

You'll be able to buy the Hampstead Village Card for the mere snippet of a tenner at a local newsagent from the 1st of December and then, when you use local independent businesses throughout 2013, you'll receive a 10% discount.


£1 from each card will be donated to the local Marie Curie Hospice.

To further help these small Hampstead businesses, there'll be adverts (like the one above) in The Hampstonian 2013 and Hampstead Village Voice (edition 17 out in January 2013).

Yes, it's all hands on deck to help maintain Hampstead's character and community spirit and give the little shops, cafes and restaurants a fair chance against the Arsefcuks, McCrackdonald's and Tesco-Stressco's of Airstrip One who seem intent on taking over Hampstonia's green and pleasant land.

We shall fight them of the beaches... or at least on the Whitestone Pond!

Toodle Pip!

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein,
Enemy of Big Brother and Commander in Chief of the Hampstead Navy.


Thursday, 11 October 2012

What have the Romans ever done for us?



 Oldschidt & Howler

Watcha Hampsters!

Currently flogging pages for the Hampstead Village Voice's sober little sister publication The Hampstonian 2013.

A not very creative yet necessary part of the publishing process in which I find myself saying rather odd things like "Why can't everyone be like Goldschmidt & Howland?"

Yes, when it comes to the monetary side of being a Hampstead love revolutionary, the cold, hard truth is, estate agents are a positive breeze to sell advertising to. They usually confirm straight away, send in their artwork promptly and don't mess you about too much when it's time to cough up the lolly.

Rotters

Needless to say, estate agents are a bunch of complete rotters when it comes to turning useful A1 shops into pointless A2 offices in Heath Street thus turning it into a virtual ghost road. 

This is something TK International are currently attempting to do and they ought hang their heads in shame. And I say that, even though I have just sent them an email offering a full page in The Hampstonian 2013 for the mere snip of £150+VAT. After all, we are not communists!

Our motto, "never mix editorial with advertising", however, stands true." Stressco, estate agents, even Scamden - are free to advertise with us to their hearts content, but it will never stop us slagging them off if they cross the line of common decency and/or the general wellbeing of Hampstonia which, needless to say, they so often do.

Viva Hampstonia!

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein x
Enemy of Big Brother
PS. If you'd like to advertise in the disgustingly capitalist Hampstonian 2013 for a mere snip of £150+VAT just email: info@hampsteadvillagevoice.com

Wednesday, 22 August 2012

Stop Everything Everywhere.



A mobile phone antenna on the roof of the Royal Free Hospital. Can this be healthy?

Seeing as I'm skiving off in Berlin, I may as well be of some use and get you all to sign this petition.

http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/stop-mobile-phone-masts-in-built-up-residential/

They're sticking mobile phone antennas everywhere these days. My mate, Hampstead artist and sculptor Clive Barker swears he gets bad headaches as a result of all this horrid, phone-mast business.

Now that Orange and T-Mobile have merged to become the somewhat domineeringly named Everything Everywhere (ed. blimey, they think a lot of themselves), they're trying to erect another of those ugly and possibly unhealthy masts slap bang in the middle of a conservation area, ie. Hampstead.

Typically, as do all river - or airwave - polluting corporations, they've chosen the summer holidays, when everyone's away, to get permission from the gullible Scamden. Even if you are on your Hols, please sign the petition below. It'll take you two ticks.

http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/stop-mobile-phone-masts-in-built-up-residential/

Ta very much,

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein x
Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein esq. NA. AA. AFC.

Tuesday, 17 July 2012

Isn't Hampstead Marvelous!


Editon 16 in shops now!

Watcha Hampsters!

Yes, edition 16's in the shops and full of gloriously amusing bits and bobs... I've run out of promotional jargon so just go and buy the blasted thing and leave it by your loo for those personal, Hampstead loo moments. No, not those moments, Klaus, the normal ones.

Toodle Pip!

EMGoldstein-Wooster III
Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein-Wooster III

Saturday, 30 June 2012



Hampstead High Street Nineteen-Sixty-Something

Hello Hampsters,

I've sent off edition 16 of the Hampstead Village Voice to the Magazine Printing Company and all being well, the 5th anniversary edition will be in the shops on Monday the 9th of July 2012. Although it doesn't feature the above photo by Richard Friedman of the High Street in the Sixties, it does massacre Tesco-Stressco prior to its 10th anniversary on the centre pages and features a splendid photo of boxer John Conteh in the nude at the Men's Pond in 1974. 

Toodle Pip!

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein-Wooster
E.M.Goldstein Wooster

Visit: www.hampsteadvillagevoice.com to find out where to buy your copy.



Sunday, 24 June 2012


Pure Fruit Aka. Brian Lay


Thankfully, after much local pressure from various sources, not least the hammering we gave Scamden in the last edition of the Hampstead Village Voice, the council has backed down on raising Pure Fruit’s rent by £5,700. 


So go and buy your fruit & veg' there, Jenkins and Son or AJ Fruiterers and not at Tesco-Stressco or M&S.

Incidentally, bumped into Philip Matthews of the Hampstead Butcher & Providor today at the Heath Street festival and he suggested the following:



INDEPENDENT'S DAY!  

Support Your Local Shops on 4th July 

Local retailers in Hampstead are flying the flag to support diversity on our high streets on Independents’ Day 2012!
On 4th July 2012 across the country, we are asking shoppers to buy at least one item from their local, independent shop to celebrate Independents’ Day 2012.  We are engaging with local independent retailers to support our campaign. 
The national campaign is organised by Skillsmart Retail and the National Skills Academy for Retail. In Hampstead it is promoted by the Mary Portas Hampstead Shops Campaign, spearheaded by Jessica Learmond-Criqui, which champions the local retailers who make the village so special. 
With over 160,000 independent retailers making up 92% of all retail businesses in the UK, their importance to local economies as well as their contribution to a location’s identity, character and community is unrivaled.


We are asking the local community to:
Buy at least one item from your local independent shop to celebrate Independents’ Day on 4th July, 2012!

For further information, please contact:
Simon Marcus - simonmarcus2003@yahoo.co.uk (M) 07890524005
Jessica Learmond-Criqui – jlc@lawlcs.com   (M) 07770231367




Toodle Pip!


Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein x

Friday, 15 June 2012

SAFF END GREEN FESTIVAL



Bill 'Fidel' Oddie with  jazz fusion guitarist John Etheridge head the jazz revolution in Saff End Green. Viva Fidel Oddie! Viva La Revoluçion!

We do like a bit of advance warning here at the Hampstead Village Voice, so the Hampstead Heath Community Festival -  A.K.A. the People's Revolution of Saff End Green - will again be upon us on Sunday the 15th of July 2012.
    
It kicks off at about 11am but we shall say no more in case the counter-revolutionaries of the Union of the Soviet Scamden Republics catch on and try to mess things up.
    
Naturally, there be a full report in the 5th anniversary edition of the Hampstead Village Voice out on Monday July the 9th 2012 at a proper Hampstead newsagent near you.

Toodle Pip!

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein,
Enemy of Big Brother.

Friday, 18 May 2012

What Hampstead Really Needs is...



Another Mobile Phone Shop!

Although currently in Brazil, the Sub-editor has reminded me in no uncertain terms not to neglect my Hampsteardly duties. 

Namely to inform you that there will be a demonstration outside the above shop front on Sunday the 27th of May 2012 at 11am. Those who have read the current edition of the Hampstead Village Voice will be aware that Sue of the Hampstead Health Shop was recently booted out for not keeping up to speed with 'market forces'.

The landlord, Prudential, has now, in its wisdom, decided to let the shop to, wait for it... yet another mobile phone shop. (Ed. I didn't think there were any left?)

I shall make sure to be back in Hampstead for the demo. See you there. 

Feel free to sign the petition (link below) and come along if you've had enough of the corporate colonisation of our beloved Hampstead and subsequent closure of local, independent Hampstead businesses.


Toodle Pip!

EM Goldylocks. x
Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein




Thursday, 17 May 2012

No Sex Please We're Brazilian!



Sex is not what it seems in Brazil

Far be it from me to blow my own trumpet - after all I can't play trumpet and blowing ones own guitar would be, to say the least, somewhat precarious - but I shall be entertaining the good people of Lavras, Brazil this Friday by way of a small concert at the Circuito Alternativa - a night club at the seedier end of the town.

Contrary to what you may think, the above flyer does not mean yours truly will be having sex on the 18th of May at 23:30hrs. For 'Sex' in the above context is but an abbreviation for Sexta-Feira known to you and I merely as Friday. And yes, that is how one spells acoustic in Portuguese.

Toodle-Pip!

Y. Truly.
Not Mustafa Goldstein.
Lavras, Brazil.
PS. So keen was the local promoter and club owner - a splendid fellow called Janio, who seems to like all things British (minus the wars of course) - that he made not one, but two flyers. I hope I can live up to all this publicity.


Flyer No. 2
  

Friday, 4 May 2012

The Only Gringo in the Village



Sleeping dog, Lavras, Brazil.

What ho Gringo's!

Much like Hampstead, Lavras has it's pro's and con's but political correctness is neither of them. Naturally, we Goldstein's are made of sterner stuff than to let the odd well-intended nickname offend. In fact, I'm rather enjoying being the only Gringo in the village.

The upside to such Brazilian towns, which happen to be stuck somewhere between 1972 and 1978, are obvious. Stupendous weather, a laid back atmosphere, cool looking old cars, great coffee, very quiet Sundays and not a screeching ambulance siren in sight. At least 90% of the population don't even use a mobile phone... how very lovely. Oh for the days when Hampstead had Sundays. Real, quiet Sundays with nothing but one or two coffee shops open for raisin toast and one old man walking his dog. 

Yes, on Sundays here in Lavras, jovial woofing dogs like the above pictured happily sleep the day away in the Plaça Augustus Silva without a care in the world, let alone an old man. No old men required, you might say. It's enough to make any old Hampstonian overflow with cheerfulness and contentment.

But it's not all honey and roses in small-town Brazil. Remember, there were no catalytic converters in 1978 and thus it is in Lavras [on non-Sundays] that plumes of black smoke - a lá un-serviced London Taxi - do suddenly force themselves upon unsuspecting pedestrians. Most unpleasant. Indeed, compared to this, a lung-full of the old Hampstead breathing matter seems positively Swiss mountain-ish in comparison. And although they have no screeching sirens, there's noise pollution a plenty with mega-boom-boxes blasting out God knows what at all times of day and night from a multitude of VW Beetles and rather cool looking, Starsky & Hutch-ish Chevrolets.

Meanwhile, back in Hampstead with 40 days and 40 nights of rain apparently availing themselves upon the old Stead, I'm quite happy to put up with the odd bus farting in my face and loud automobile stereos. 

Dearest Hampstonians, I shall bring the old Current Bun back to Hampers with me upon my return but, alas, can't guarantee when that will be, if at all, ever. 

Toodle pip and may the blessing of Lord Gainsborough be with you!

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein x
AWOL Editor in exile.
26ºC Ta very much.




Monday, 30 April 2012

Editor goes A.W.O.L.



Auto Posto São Mateus in Carrancas (pronounced Cahhunkas), Minas Gerais, Brazil's Petrol Station is up for the Blue Star Garage look-a-like Award 2012.


Dearest Hampsters!

It would appear that editor of the Hampstead Village Voice, your very own Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein has gone absent without leave. Said editor was last spotted at this charming little petrol station in the small mountain town of Carrancas, somewhere in Brazil.

A spokesperson for the CIA who have been keeping tabs on Mr. Goldstein for alleged, un-American activities in the name of Hampstonian independence admitted, "We've lost him for now but we do know he was in the Cahhancas area last week."

Meanwhile, Hampstonia prepares for the 5th anniversary edition of the Hampstead Village Voice, some of which may have been written in the back room of the above petrol station. M16 have suggested it will be out in July and will almost certainly contain a centre-page commiseration of Tesco-Stressco's 10 years in Heath Street.

Viva La Blue Star Garage!

Juanita Rugenstein v. Frognal. 
The Contessa Juanita Rugenstein von Frognal.
pp. Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein A.W.O.L.


Wednesday, 11 April 2012

Spring Edition Doing Splendidly!


Above: the poster currently adorning Hampstead's bill boards

Hello Hampsters!

Apparently edition 15 of the Hampstead Village Voice is selling like hot cakes. This may be in no small part to the horrendous name dropping going on in my absence.

Apparently, whilst I'm off sunning myself by various pools in Brazil (ed. well, naturally I've been borrowing a couple of millionaires houses, as you do), Professor P. Dant will - at his leisure - be on grotty old poster duty and dropping names like nobody's business. Good show Professor and, needless to say, we all look forward to your next enlightening piece in the Summer edition of Hampstead's only, and therefore favourite, satirical magazine.

Oh, yes, and do have a peak at all those exclusive pictures of Stevie Wonder, Thierry Henry, Peter O'Toole and Co. in the current Hampstead Village Voice. No, don't just leaf through it at the newsagent - buy the bloody thing you cheapskate!

Toodle Pip!

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein x x x
Editor in Ronnie Biggs' old thong.



Monday, 12 March 2012

Defending Hampstead's Trees


What a pity. See page 13 of the current Hampstead Village Voice


What would Hampstead be without its trees? They are the the thin line between unbearable urban ugliness and Hampstonian gorgeousity (ed. no such word... until now).

If I'm not mistaken, there is now only one of the originals left in the central 'island' of Church Row after another blasted lorry nudged it's neighbour over. We'll be looking at what Scamden and/or TFL could do to help preserve Church Row in the Summer edition. Until then,why don't you pop off down to your local newsagent, buy the Spring 2012 edition and read page 13?

Meanwhile, over Well Walk way, was it really necessary for Scamden to murder this lovely tree outside The Priors in East Heath Rd? See this short film sent in by Mr. David Lewis who, along with myself, has his doubts.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7SVo174LHC0&feature=colike

Viva las árboles del Hampstonia!

Toodle Pip!

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein x
PS. árboles = trees in Spanish

STOP PRESS: Apparently the tree became rotten as a result of previous pruning work to make it "safe".


Tuesday, 6 March 2012

Rickidulous


Ricky Gervais enjoying Hampstead.
Pic. courtesy of Bauer Griffin

Cycling down Perrins Lane on Bessy the Hampstead Village Voice bicycle this morning, I was greeted outside the King William IV with a big Ricky Gervais smile.

"Hi Ricky," Said I.
"Hi, how's it going?" said Ricky.
"Good. Just got the new edition [of the Hampstead Village Voice] into the shops."
"Is that the official Hampstead Village Voice bicycle, then?" he grinned.
"Yep, it's the official company vehicle, all right," I returned.
"It'll end up in a museum one day," said Ricky.
"I'm more likely to end up in a museum, first," Said I.

Well, it was the best I could come up with at short notice and my future as a Hollywood scriptwriter cum chat-show guest is far from assured, but it would certainly appear Mr. Gervais has settled more comfortably into the local Hampstead community. So I hereby promote him from Hampster to Hampsteadite, just for being nice and starting to enjoy Hampstonia.

Well done, squire.

Toodle-Pip!

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein x
Self elected Chairman of the People's Republic of Hampstonia.

Friday, 2 March 2012

Huggable Hampstead


Huggy and Hutch
[Antonio Fargus and
David Soul] enjoy
a night of much joy in La Gaffe

What's the point in spending £3.75 on a frothy-tripple-extra-shotty-latte-Grandé-arsebucks-decaf if you can't leaf through a vaguely interesting read whilst doing so?

Wouldn't you better better off buying the Hampstead Village Voice for £2 and drinking a single espresso for £1.90 Ed. Er...no you wouldn't. You'd still be 15p down on the deal.

And if you can't read, then why not have a leisurely butcher's at our exclusive Hampstead photos of Stevie Wonder, David Soul, Antonio Fargus, Peter O'Toole, Jurgen Klinsmann, Patrick Veieira, Thierry Henry, Robert Pires, Martin Bell and Jon Moss whilst you slurp your ristretto.

And don't you dare let those corporate robots up-sell you a "double espresso". If they do attempt such a thing, simply look them straight in the eye and, in as charming a manner as possible, ask them, "Are you trying to up-sell me a shot of caffeine, darling?" - Ed. The 'darling's optional.

Toodles-Pip!

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein
Editor in Caffeine
PS. You can now also purchase the Hampstead Village Voice in Budgens, Belsize Parkistan for £2 cashski. How very splendid.

Monday, 13 February 2012

Edition 15's at the printers



Them wer't days: Flask Walk 1973

It is with much joy that I announce edition 15 of the Hampstead Village Voice is winging (Ed. Don't you mean whinging?) its way to the printers and, all being well, will be with your local newsagent no later than the 1st of March 2012. Hoorah!

Once in your grubby little paws, it'll feature a punishing critique of the ruthless corporate invasion of Hampstead High Street, combined with a rather endearing trip down memory lane when Fowlers in Flask Walk (above) sold single cigarettes to children and no one seemed to mind. Ay, them wer't days!

What else? Oh yes, Professor P. Dant has a most splendid rant at those blasted 1 mile deep basements; the High Street Spy has a go at the Post Office for up-selling insurance to old ladies; the Ham&High gets a hammering (Ed. don't you mean Ham&Highering?); La Gaffe celebrates 50 years with Stevie Wonder and Huggy Bear; there's an exposé on cheap and nasty letting agencies attempting to rent out Hampstead flats in a rather unethical manner and a whole lot of other good shit.

Also, exclusive Hampstead photos of Thierry Henry, Jürgen Klinsmann, David Soul, Martin Bell, Patrick Veiera and Robert Pires. Cor blimey guvnor!

To read nearly an exact replica of this mumbo jumbo, visit www.hampsteadvillagevoice.com

Toodle Pip!

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein x
Editor in law suit.


Thursday, 26 January 2012

International Sales Rocket!


An artists impression of what The Finchley Road will look like once the Metropolitan Borough of Hampstead returns to power.
Scamden, go home!


Off to Budgens, Waitrose, Sainsbury and Waterstones on the Finchley Road in Airstrip One to deliver sample copies and negotiate international, economy shattering deals with the aforementioned.

But worry not dear reader, the Hampstead Village Voice will remain as local as local can be and as edgy as ever when it comes to our editorial.

Toodle Pip!

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein x
CEO HAVIVO Corp. Inc. Ltd. PLC. Naaaht.

Tuesday, 17 January 2012

Tesco Stressco


Above. A small clue as to who [correction] what might be suing me come the next edition...

All go here at the Hampstead Village Voice. In talks with Sainsbury, Budgens, Waterstones and Waitrose about getting the Voice into them there shoppes. That's not how to spell shops unless you're American or live in the 16th Century. What's come over me?

Next Voice is going to be a complete cracker! Cor - I'm really hoping to get locked up this time or at least a couple of law suits.

Going to write a book too, no, two books - Toodles,

Mustafa Goldstein x
Editor in very hot-pants
PS. Last chance to advertise in next edition, email: info@hampsteadvillagevoice.com by 25th of January 2012

Wednesday, 4 January 2012

Heath Street's On The Up...


100 Acres. More than just a toy shop.

Nice to see Heath Street on the rise again. Just popped into the toy shop-café called 100 Acres and ended up writing a story about it for the next Hampstead Village Voice whilst supping one of their splendid Monmouth Cappuccino's. There's more to this place than meets the eye - as will be revealed in the next edition of the Voice which I reckon will be out for Spring... February? March? Who knows? The Hampstead Village Voice - nothing if not unpredictable.

Toodle Pip,

Emmanuel "Mustafa" Goldstein
Editor in Heath Street.