Sunday, 14 December 2008

Follow the shoe...


If there were any lingering doubts as to whether to follow the "GOURD"or the "SHOE" they must surely now be laid to rest

As Hampstead Village Voice writer Klaustafa von Kunstafa throws his shoe at the outgoing, self proclaimed 'leader of the western world' we ask, did George Bush go to shoe dodging classes? If not, we commend him on his superb shoe dodging technique and can only assume from his dodging skills this is not the first time he's had a shoe chucked at him. 

"I don't know why this Hampstead Village Voice guy threw a shoe at me?" he claimed with a bewildered look on his face, "Maybe he was just after attention, you know, it's like when someone holds up less than five fingers in a traffic situation". 

We're still trying to work out the exact meaning of that last statement but presume Mr. Bush is happy to compare the bombing of Baghdad and the murder of thousands of civilians to a minor road-rage situation. 

So unsurpisingly, Mr. Bush, the reason he threw a shoe at you is because Klaustafa hates your guts for invading his country, killing his family and all his mates and objects to the very air you breathe because you are, to put it mildly, a complete c*nt.

As for Mr. K. von Kunstafa, we can only speculate as to whether we will ever see him at Hampstead Heath's buggery basin again. More likely he'll be on a flight to Guantanamo Bay via some dodgy, rat infested cellar in Syria. And knowing him, he'll love every moment. Be assured Klaustafa, you will always hold a place in the hearts of the Hampstead Popular Peoples Front. Thank you brother - you are a prevert of the highest order and beloved martyr to the cause of the HPPF. 

All hail Klaustafa and follow The Shoe! The Shoe! The Shoe!

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, Peace and goodwill to all men, women and little fury animals. 

Musti xxx
Mustafa Goldstein

Friday, 5 December 2008

Pledging allegiance to nothing in particular...



The Hampstead Village Voice (Edition 6) is currently doing swift trade at Hampstead News Agents.

Yes, that's right... Americans are buying it in droves just to burn it. Massive piles of the the Hampstead Village Voice have been spotted in flames on Parliament Hill and the American Embassy (The Rosslyn Deli) and U.S. Consulate (The Holly Bush) have been holding rallies and crisis meetings to deal with, what has been taken in some quarters as, "anti-Americanism" and "Commie Subversion".

But rest assured my Septic friends - nothing could be further from the truth. On the contrary, we at the Hampstead Village Voice have ceased to "fight" the inevitable and have happily conceded that we are in fact all Americans now. Yesiree Bob! Wooh! Yeahy! It's all good! Awsome dude e.t.c.

And being the commie-pinko, anarchist, liberal subversives that we are, we are delighted at the election of Barack Hussein Obama to the White House. So much so that we've paid him a special tribute in our page 5 leader column which he shares with the equally monumental re-paving of Perrin's Court N.W.Trois.

But not as delighted as we were at the election of Mario as winner of the Jon Moss of The Year Award! Or Adnandus Dyzantae as Author of the Year; The Duke of Hamilton as Top Boozer of the Year; The Coffee Cup as Best Café; Caffé Bianco for Best Coffee... Oh the list goes on.

There were a total of 40 awards handed out at Burgh House on Wednesday the 3rd of December 2008 and by Jove did we have a laugh. An audience of 8o watched in sheer terror as Mustafa Goldstein, Henry Kelly and Jon Moss handed out awards to the great and the good and the somewhat disoriented of Hampstead. There were another 20 Hampstonians hovering around the bar at the back whom top author and late arrival Tony Parsons later described to me as "Hampstead eccentrics". Bleedin' wino's more like. But hey, as long as they enjoyed themselves more power to their elbow. Alas I was so busy handing out awards and doing Dr. Strangelove impersonations in honour of the absent Klaus Von Kunst that I didn't see Tony and subsequently failed to invite him up to hand out awards to writers. What a pity for me, the writers and the audience but, on the bright side, Tony was spared 'the gallows' of public speaking.

There was a marvelous filmed "apology" from top DJ Nicky Horne "live" from "Honolulu" (Well, pre-recorded at La Gaffe - who won Best Hotel- but there was a palm tree behind him!) and possibly the greatest audience of all time including ex-councillor Mike Green(Con) who, when offered HM Government (Lab) on a plate as candidates for the Most Annoying Authority Award and put it to the vote, didn't raise his hand! Very noble of him, I'm sure or did he just feel a large Labour presence in the room and just 'bottled it'?

Most importantly, Hampstonian of the Year Award went to Alex Cowan who bravely jumped out of a small plane for charidy.

Anyway, Paolo the pianist was splendid as was Burgh House, The Bugh House Buttery's grub and the Villa Bianca for supplying the Vino. And also Silva's for six bottles of port which went down rather swimmingly with all those "Hampstead Eccentrics" at the back!

Down With Big Brother! Viva la Revolucion D'Amore!

E.M.Goldstein.
E.M. Goldstein, enemy of Big Brother.