Friday, 11 January 2008

Village Voice delayed by Taxman


"Now my advice for those who die, 
Declare the pennies on your eyes" 
-George Harrison.

Why the bloody hell should the editor of the Hampstead Village Voice, a dishonerable citizen of the non-sovereign state of Hampstead, have to waste his valuable time on filing a bleeding tax return to Her Majesty's Revenue & Customs? Remember this is the same Government body that recently 'lost' £800,000 squids worth of cocaine, 25 million of its citizens personal details and continues to spend Hampstonians wonga on the hopeless quest to 'normalise' some country it just bombed the crap out of and that's even further away than Chalk Farm! I ask you, does this make sense?

And now they expect us to send them all our details on some dodgy on-line form just so that a spotty twelve year old hacker can share it with all his hoodie mates at school. Crikey! You ought to read the ridiculous terms and conditions for which there is an "agree" button and a "decline" button. What's the point in that? Press "decline" and you get fined £100 quid on the spot and may serve a prison sentence: not much of a choice is it? How decent of them to ask, though. 

But if we don't pay our taxes, who's going to pay for schools I hear you whimper? Hey, if we stopped having so many children we wouldn't be so over-populated and need so many blasted schools! It's not as though kids even like going to the ruddy places. I know I didn't! I mean, who wants to be institutionalized and bossed around by a load of miserable, underpaid adults for eleven years?

Stop procreating you fools!

If we stopped having kids for , say, five years- there'd be more food, money, housing, clothes and general stuff for everyone on the planet. And I can guarantee if we limited the number of kids we had there'd be less war, earthquakes and unemployment too! Yup, you can call me mad all you like, but I reckon that's how nature/God/the Universe (call it what you will) works. It'll control population one way or the other! If we did it ourselves it wouldn't feel the need to stop us raping the planet. Plus there'd be less energy used and the human carbon footprint would automatically diminish. So don't be selfish! Wear a Johnny and put off having that child for a few years: there are more than enough human beings on the planet.

Cookie Tin

Now that one of their top men, Peter Hain, has got his fingers caught in the £100k cookie tin, I must ask, do we really trust Governments with our hard earned dosh? Do we really want a percentage of the £2 squid we spend on the Hampstead Village Voice to go to these people? Like hell we do! 

Would we rather not pay tribute to a good old fashioned Don? At least Dons are honest about being corrupt- they don't pretend to be anything else.

Worst of all, the editor of the Voice is really slow with figures and can't afford an accountant so edition three of Hampsteads favourite (er, only) magazine will be delayed by at least a week while he tries to cook the books and find enough receipts so that he won't have to contribute too much to the farce that is Her Majesty's Government.

Besides that would be against his religion- which is based on the sound and fundamental principles of Anarchy in the UK. (i.e. No Government at all!) Shit, if there wasn't a prison sentence at the end of it, would anybody pay these arse-holes?

We at the Hampstead Village Voice say it's time for mutiny! Revolution might be going a bit far- after all we are somewhat British, and it might balls up the cricket fixtures in the summer- so non-violent mutiny is the way to go! Ha Harrr Me Hartys!

Selwyn McGlomerate
Office Clerk and Abacus abuser.
Ps. How does anyone, let alone a Government department such as HMRC,  "lose" £8m squids worth of cocaine? Isn't that a little irresponsible? 'Bet someone had a nasty cold and a fat wallet on New Years Day.
 

Friday, 4 January 2008

ROMANS!


"Whatever I said it was wrong, or was taken wrong, and now there's all this..." John Lennon.

Yes, That's right, it's good old winter again. Being a devout German Jew with strong Muslim sympathies and a penchant for the distribution of wealth, I knew I was never going to be Mr. Popular around here. But hey, I've gotten my hangover out of the way and have pledged to never drink as long as I live! Like Mark Twain with smoking, I've done it successfully millions of times so should be a piece of piss! 

Plus I'm ever so slightly bored of a small minority of envious, resentful public house dwelling bullies coming up to me and spitting their drunken dummies out because they didn't think of the Hampstead Village Voice first! Blimey, I've even had the Hampstead K.K.K. on my case giving it the old 'Don't You Eye-Ball Me Boy', routine! Actual quotes include "be careful","watch it-MATE!", "who do you think you are" and "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you". There were two occasions of actually physical bodily violence against my personage (although that wasn't the K.K.K., it was the People of Hampstead Un-Popular Peoples Front: Splitters!). 

I'd like to think all this was personal but it never happened before releasing the Hampstead Village Voice so I'm afraid it looks like business. Hey, listen, ladies- just release the Hampstead Nazi Monthly or whatever, but don't come to me if you're going to be rude, threatening and violent. It's bad manners! 

To my credit, I have not reported any of this to the Romans, the King's Men or Don Vito Corleone and those involved will remain anonymous. We don't do gossip or grassing up of minor individuals here at the Voice. We leave that kind of assault for the Multinationals, Scamden and Her Majesties Government. Yet I do feel it my duty to report that bullying is not solely the domain of the hooded youth and that, alas, freedom of speech in modern day Hampstead comes with an element of risk. Ah, Freedom and Democracy: it's all the same hypocrisy.

Meanwhile the large majority of Hampstonians who've approached yours truly have been incredibly supportive and have told me how much they love the rag. Hampstonians are contributing masses of stories, photos, letters and advertising for issue three which, if I am not assassinated first, ought to be out in late February. Lots of love and to all those little girls who wanted a fight- Join the Army! 

Emmanuel "Mustafa" Goldstein (Editor in Tea Person)