Sunday, 14 December 2008

Follow the shoe...


If there were any lingering doubts as to whether to follow the "GOURD"or the "SHOE" they must surely now be laid to rest

As Hampstead Village Voice writer Klaustafa von Kunstafa throws his shoe at the outgoing, self proclaimed 'leader of the western world' we ask, did George Bush go to shoe dodging classes? If not, we commend him on his superb shoe dodging technique and can only assume from his dodging skills this is not the first time he's had a shoe chucked at him. 

"I don't know why this Hampstead Village Voice guy threw a shoe at me?" he claimed with a bewildered look on his face, "Maybe he was just after attention, you know, it's like when someone holds up less than five fingers in a traffic situation". 

We're still trying to work out the exact meaning of that last statement but presume Mr. Bush is happy to compare the bombing of Baghdad and the murder of thousands of civilians to a minor road-rage situation. 

So unsurpisingly, Mr. Bush, the reason he threw a shoe at you is because Klaustafa hates your guts for invading his country, killing his family and all his mates and objects to the very air you breathe because you are, to put it mildly, a complete c*nt.

As for Mr. K. von Kunstafa, we can only speculate as to whether we will ever see him at Hampstead Heath's buggery basin again. More likely he'll be on a flight to Guantanamo Bay via some dodgy, rat infested cellar in Syria. And knowing him, he'll love every moment. Be assured Klaustafa, you will always hold a place in the hearts of the Hampstead Popular Peoples Front. Thank you brother - you are a prevert of the highest order and beloved martyr to the cause of the HPPF. 

All hail Klaustafa and follow The Shoe! The Shoe! The Shoe!

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, Peace and goodwill to all men, women and little fury animals. 

Musti xxx
Mustafa Goldstein

Friday, 5 December 2008

Pledging allegiance to nothing in particular...



The Hampstead Village Voice (Edition 6) is currently doing swift trade at Hampstead News Agents.

Yes, that's right... Americans are buying it in droves just to burn it. Massive piles of the the Hampstead Village Voice have been spotted in flames on Parliament Hill and the American Embassy (The Rosslyn Deli) and U.S. Consulate (The Holly Bush) have been holding rallies and crisis meetings to deal with, what has been taken in some quarters as, "anti-Americanism" and "Commie Subversion".

But rest assured my Septic friends - nothing could be further from the truth. On the contrary, we at the Hampstead Village Voice have ceased to "fight" the inevitable and have happily conceded that we are in fact all Americans now. Yesiree Bob! Wooh! Yeahy! It's all good! Awsome dude e.t.c.

And being the commie-pinko, anarchist, liberal subversives that we are, we are delighted at the election of Barack Hussein Obama to the White House. So much so that we've paid him a special tribute in our page 5 leader column which he shares with the equally monumental re-paving of Perrin's Court N.W.Trois.

But not as delighted as we were at the election of Mario as winner of the Jon Moss of The Year Award! Or Adnandus Dyzantae as Author of the Year; The Duke of Hamilton as Top Boozer of the Year; The Coffee Cup as Best Café; Caffé Bianco for Best Coffee... Oh the list goes on.

There were a total of 40 awards handed out at Burgh House on Wednesday the 3rd of December 2008 and by Jove did we have a laugh. An audience of 8o watched in sheer terror as Mustafa Goldstein, Henry Kelly and Jon Moss handed out awards to the great and the good and the somewhat disoriented of Hampstead. There were another 20 Hampstonians hovering around the bar at the back whom top author and late arrival Tony Parsons later described to me as "Hampstead eccentrics". Bleedin' wino's more like. But hey, as long as they enjoyed themselves more power to their elbow. Alas I was so busy handing out awards and doing Dr. Strangelove impersonations in honour of the absent Klaus Von Kunst that I didn't see Tony and subsequently failed to invite him up to hand out awards to writers. What a pity for me, the writers and the audience but, on the bright side, Tony was spared 'the gallows' of public speaking.

There was a marvelous filmed "apology" from top DJ Nicky Horne "live" from "Honolulu" (Well, pre-recorded at La Gaffe - who won Best Hotel- but there was a palm tree behind him!) and possibly the greatest audience of all time including ex-councillor Mike Green(Con) who, when offered HM Government (Lab) on a plate as candidates for the Most Annoying Authority Award and put it to the vote, didn't raise his hand! Very noble of him, I'm sure or did he just feel a large Labour presence in the room and just 'bottled it'?

Most importantly, Hampstonian of the Year Award went to Alex Cowan who bravely jumped out of a small plane for charidy.

Anyway, Paolo the pianist was splendid as was Burgh House, The Bugh House Buttery's grub and the Villa Bianca for supplying the Vino. And also Silva's for six bottles of port which went down rather swimmingly with all those "Hampstead Eccentrics" at the back!

Down With Big Brother! Viva la Revolucion D'Amore!

E.M.Goldstein.
E.M. Goldstein, enemy of Big Brother.



Thursday, 27 November 2008

The Wild West

The Financial Crimes section of the Winter Edition of the Hampstead Village Voice is so very splendid I could cry.


Bessy the Bicycle outside Wintons in West Hampstead who are doing a fine job of selling the Hampstead Village Voice.

It would appear the Soviet Republic of West Hampstead (SRWH) is a bit hit and miss when it comes to the distribution of the Hampstead Village Voice.

 On the bright side, Mystery, Hampstead Food & Wine, West End News and Winton's (pictured with Bessy the bicycle) appear to be playing  ball and aiding and abetting the furtherance of our favourite and only local satirical magazine in the cold, harsh Soviet hinterlands of Hampstead's grubby little satellite state known in Victorian times simply as West End. 

The same cannot be said of various other SRWH outlets who were happy to take our fine mag on a 'sale or return' basis but then pleaded complete ignorance to ever having received any when it came to coughing up for them. It would not be in the spirit of the Hampstead Village Voice to name and shame the worst offenders as they are not banks, governments, multi-national corporations or 'Street of Shame' medi-whores (who we like to shame at every proper opportunity) but small businesses with zero imagination to whom we can extend nothing but pity.

Pity? Yes because they won't be getting THE GREATEST MAGAZINE OF ALL TIME EVER! the Winter EDITION 6 of the HAMPSTEAD VILLAGE VOICE.

My goodness, it's a cracker! It's only got Russell Brand (who's still skill McGill regardless of what Daily Mail readers think), Nicky Horne, Tony Parsons, Klaus Von Kunst, Ronnie Wood, Eric Clapton (admittedly a very small mention of the man who played guitar on While My Guitar Gently Weeps, but hey, he gave me a hug so fuck it, that's worth a mention. I mean, how many people can say they've been hugged by Eric Clapton on Hampstead High Street?)

Name dropping aside, this really is the best mag we've done so far... Go and buy it. If you're skint and you have to rob an old lady or hold up a bank to get this edition of the magazine then do it. If you have to shag someone's grandad in the missionary position in order to purchase a copy, then so be it! But get it or regret it for the rest of your life!

Yours unfaithfully,
Jonofan Woss
Dr. Jonothan Wossy-Woss of Wossington Park
PS. Russell Brand is innocent cos he was actually very polite and it was me who got all saucy, rude and risqué on the radio.
PPS. Who fucking cares anyway? The attack on Pearl Harbour got less headlines! Aren't the Daily Mail a bunch of malicious c***s?
PPS. This isn't really Jonothan Woss writing this, it's the evil Mustafa Goldstein, but it is really Russell in the actual magazine! Hoorah! Hoorah! And Hoorah again! 

Wednesday, 19 November 2008

The first ever "Hammies" at Burgh House

Wehey! The 6th and arguably best ever edition of the Hampstead Village Voice is at the printers and should be in the shops by Tuesday the 25th of November 2008, a whole week ahead of schedule. How very splendid.

Better still, we'll be celebrating by holding the fist ever Hampstead Village Voice Awards (THE HAMMIES) at Burgh House, Well Walk, Hampstead on Wednesday the 3rd of December 2008.

Alas Russell Brand, who makes his Hampstead Village Voice  debut in this glorious edition, will be in the USA until the 7th of Dec and is therefore unable to attend. (Ed. He really was going to come, honest, he told me himself, but he's filming and to be fair they're paying him more than we were not going to pay him) But we're not worried cos  we've not seen or heard the last of old Russy Wussy when it comes to his involvement with the Hampstead Village Voice to be sure

Alas again! Lisa Stansfield's away too, so she can't come either...Darn! Nicky Horne's working that night on his show for Planet Rock....So we'll have to settle for a "sorry I couldn't be there video". Blast! George Graham's playing golf....Balderdash.... Emma Thompson's not returned my email... neither have Paul McCartney's "people"...Ricky Gervais told me to "contact his agent". Sod that, he only lives in Willoughby Rd? Ronnie Wood and Eric Clapton won't be there either...unless I bump into Ronnie again at the Coffee Cup .

Fuck it! Nobody like us - we don't care!

Well apart from good old Henry Kelly! He loves us and says he'll come along and I'm sure old Johnny Moss'll pootle along to add a little bish-bash-bosh to the evening. Oh and top author Tony Parsons is going to be there handing out the literary gongs. (Stop press:  I accosted Ricky Gervais as he jogged past The Wells Tavern today (25th Nov) and gave him an invitation. "I'll have a look", he said. What he'll have a look at is anybody's guess, but he seemed a little friendlier than when he first moved in a year ago. It would appear the laid back Hampstead air is relaxing his joggers loins somewhat. 
 
Oh yeah...And Her Majesty the Queen will be at the door collecting tickets in her new uniform celebrating how American Hampstead has become.

Besides, the Hampstead Village Voice  prides itself on always placing principles before personalities (Ed. Yeah right, that's why all you f***ing do is name drop), so as long as you're there, that's good enough for us!

Love, peace and name-dropping galore,

Mustafa Goldstein
Editor and failed name-dropper.
PS. If you read this, you're invited! See you there! 

Monday, 20 October 2008

Pstead High St & Perrin's Court Botch Jobs

Above: One day Scamden will get round to finishing this. That's if Hampstonia doesn't declare independence first.

I once had a science teacher at Hampstead Comprehensive School called Mr Barnet. His first words to us all were: "A picture tells a thousand words". Well, if these pictures are anything to go by, it would appear there's little local pride left in the maintenance of dear, sweet, beautiful Hampstead these days. 

Why? 

In a word: Scamden. 

Is it now time for us, the proud Hampstonians of Hampstonia to storm the Bastille in Judd St (that's Scamden's HQ in Kings Cross) and revolt against those that simply don't give a shit about us or our beautiful Hampstead? And why should they, they're in Kings Cross for God's sake. They're used to wallowing around in umskah. 

Why should we allow some blasted authority in King's Cross to balls up our lovely manor? No disrespect to King's Cross but Look at the place. It's a bleedin kahsi. Camden Town? It's practically an open crack-house. It's time for the London Borough of Hampstead (better still the nation state of Hampstonia) to take control of everything north of Pond Street, west of Hampstead Heath (including the Heath, of course), south of Whitestone Pond and east of Finchley Rd. 

If Scamden want to allow King's Cross, Kentish Town and Camden Town to rot in a mass of chewing gum, split plastic bags and shit looking street furniture then good luck to them. But we say to them now in plain English: "Get out of Hampstead, please, you incompetent fools!"

Above: all in a days work. And what you see there was one days worth of cobbling (cement not included).

It's beyond comprehension... first they dig up Perrin's Court and replace the cobble stones that have been there for, well, as long as I can remember (42 yrs) with cheap nasty tarmac. Then, at vast expense to the council tax payer, Scamden hire the Rumanian version of Laurel & Hardy to do the whole thing again avec cobble stones. It has been pointed out to me by more than one local that those two blokes have managed about three yards of cobbling a day in between about seventeen fag breaks and a lot of staring into open space. Their working day also seems to start at about 11am and end at 3pm and, unsurprisingly, they've been cobbling this tiny stretch of Perrin's Court for well over a month. 

A similar botch up happened in Church Row just prior to the Perrin's Court debacle at the cost of an extra £10,000.00 (Ed. And the rest).

In conclusion, Scamden are either ignorant of what is required around here and mis-inform their builders as to what needs to be done or are sub-contracting to well dodgy geezers who balls up as much as possible so they then have to return and do the whole job again at a huge cost to you, the council tax payer. And you wonder why your council tax is so ridiculously high and the country is embarking on a recession. Viva La Revolution!

Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein
Victory Mansions, London
Airstrip One 
1984-2008





Monday, 8 September 2008

BREAKING NEWS: Attempted Military Coup D'etat!


REUTERS....

.....Hampstead waits with bated breath after the attempted military coup d'etat of Hampstead Village Voice central office (above) in the early hours of Monday morning. 

....Angered by relentless ridicule, and having already stolen the Hampstead Village Voice A-Board from outside Hampstead tube station earlier this summer, Scamden's Junta-militia led by Himm & Heil leader Jiff "Martini" Bore-mann  (pictured above in a previous life as a pot-smoking  clergyman miraculously plotting the coup d'etat some 50 years ago) stormed the HVV offices at exactly 1.05am yesterday morning in an attempt to over-power Mustafa Goldstein and prevent Edition 5 of Hampstead's most scurrilous magazine reaching the shelves. 

....Although we have no idea yet as to whether the coup has actually succeeded, we do know that the printing press in Brimsdowne has had a large Spaniard thrown into it and much blood and guts has resulted

....As you read, fighting continues and only time will tell as to whether the Hampstead Village Voice, the HPPF and edition 5 will prevail against the evil Bore, Scamden's Junta and it's hideous anti-tea and biscuits propaganda machine.... 

Stand by for further news....



Monday, 1 September 2008


The next (Autumn) issue's on it's way and Wowah-Weewah what an issue it's going to be! As a purely precautionary measure we have taken the step of adding a Parental Guidance sticker on the front page. This is partly due to the rather hot photo on page 28 which in modern day Neo-con, Anti-Sex-League Britain might just shock the Jones's a bit. They don't like it up 'em those Jones's! But mainly because it's bound to sell more with an explicit content label on the front!

The good news to celebrate the recession we've lowered the price from £2 squid to only £1.50 a copy! How nice are we!

There are also two faba-dooby-tastic interviews with Lisa Stansfield and George Graham and we've got loads of hot stuff about Hampstead's new nudist colony by Klaus Von Kunst, some rather sexy pics in Bilov's Sexytime and the definitive guide for estate agents suffering the 'credit crunch'. Plus some brand new and well justified slagging off of Scamdengrad and their botch jobs in Church Row and Perrin's Court. Best of all, we've hired Tony Soprano to answer your letters like only he can. Correction! Best of all we've come up with a cunning plan to eliminate traffic wardens.

There's no malice aforethought in the timing of edition FIVE's release which is the 11th of September 2008.

We were aiming for the 8th of September but when I received the test proof back from the printers, we noticed that a picture of fellow Hampstonian, George Graham, who'd so kindly given of his time for the Autumn edition, was a little too on the orange side for our liking. So off back to the printers it's gone and will now be in the shops from September 11th.

Ah the joy of technical hitches! Keep us on our toes and keeps 'em keen on the old High Street where apparently news agents are getting bored of the question "when's the next issue out?" Have they not caught on that, in the name of Anarchy and dishevelment, our beloved Hampstead Village Voice only comes out when it's bloody well ready - which just happens to be with the change of the seasons! Think yourselves lucky we still have four seasons in Hampstead. If we were based in Spain or somewhere they only really have two seasons, you'd only get two a year!

Could this be the best ever edition? You tell us!

 Love

Musti xxx
Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein
Enemigo Del Estado


Wednesday, 16 July 2008

"A VERY FINE PUBLICATION!"

Those of you who listened to Russell Brand on BBC Radio 2 the other night will have heard the refreshingly lively comedian refer to our beloved magazine as, "the Hampstead Village Voice, a very fine publication!" 

Hoorah for you Monsieur Brand for giving us our first national on air recognition. And on old Auntie Beeb, too! Well played old bean and you can be assured of vast amounts of praise and back scratching in our next issue, including a well positive review of your My Booky Wook wot I read on holiday and how it actually saved my life. Well, it certainly got me through a rather traumatic experience. So thanks for that Geezah. 

TTFN,
Emmanuel Mustafa Goldstein III
Editor in Tea Person
PS. Apparently, Gary Crowley mentioned us on GLR too, but he doesn't really count cos he's not nearly as lovable or funny as Russell B.

Wednesday, 9 July 2008

Himm & Heill shameless attack on Hampstead Village Voice delivery boy

Revealed! The true identity of Emmanuel "Mustafa" Goldstein 

One might be forgiven for thinking the Himm & Heill, reacted somewhat un-intelligently to the two page wrist-slapping we gave them in the summer edition of the Hampstead Village Voice (Now available at Hampstead news agents) over their decision to advertise for den Britischen Nazional Partei

Strangely, they went for a personal attack on our delivery boy, Sebastian, who also makes the tea and puts up posters on a voluntary basis. Apparently they are under the impression that poor Sebastian is in fact Editor of the Hampstead Village Voice and accused him of "hiding under a veil of anonymity" and "being libelous" in a recent H&H. 

The poor lad, a dyslexic from the impoverished slums of Well Walk can't even spel proparly.

Further more, the Britischen Nazional sympathetic Himm & Heill go on to threaten our penniless and destitute delivery boy with "writs coming through his letter box".  Oooh, you big bullies! 

Impersonal note to Himm & Heill: listen chaps, there's no need for this name and shame gutter press stuff. And lay off our delivery boy or else we'll, er...we'll, uhm...tell his big bruvver who's like well hard! Of course we satirized you and your publishers Arschants for advertising (and therefore encouraging) a fascist party. I mean were we supposed to ignore it? Of course not. What did you expect? But it's nothing personal. Just business. Neither your editor or delivery boy were mentioned by name because we adhere to a "principles before personalities" code of misconduct. Were you to consider a similar policy, you might win some of your friends back by being nice and lovely like wot we are!

Yours Unfaithfully and big Kisses,

Mwah!

E.M. von Goldstein
Emmanuel "Mustafa" Goldstein
True & Supreme Editor in Chief of Tea & Biscuits who is in no way related to anyone called Sebastian or Marjory or Selwin.

    

Wednesday, 4 June 2008

Tea epidemic sweeps Hampstead!

Yesiree! It's time for tea. Lots of tea...mountains of the stuff... and biscuits!

The magazine is at the printers and I've just gone around putting up the posters all over Humpsturd and forgot to take Bessy the Bicycle so my feet are killing me. Might also be down to the winning last-minute goal I scored playing footy last night.

So, all being well, the mag will be out on Monday 9th of June and I have a nasty feeling it's going to be the talk of the town. Not least our rant at the Ham & High (Himm & Heil) for hob-nobbing with den Britischen Nazional Partei. No apologies. If you do that you'll have your bottom spanked! And what a splendid spanking we give them. My only worry is, will I get assassinated before Borac Obama? (Ouch). The Hampstead branch of the KKK will be waiting in the wings so maybe it's time for this editor to head for the hills! 

Love, Peace & Bunga,

Mustafa Goldstein
Editor in exile
PS. See yaw'll at the Bar Room Bar on Fri 20th of June for a right old knees up!
PPS. Traffic Wardens in full uniform welcome.
PPPS. Everyone else vill be nude in ze sauna!


Monday, 2 June 2008

SUMMER OF GLOVE!


Well, if the weather doesn't improve soon, it lookes like we're heading for a Summer Of Glove rather than the expected Love feast we've all been promised. But worry not Hampsters: the Hampstead Village Voice edition 4 will be in the shops from Sunday the 8th of June 2008. That is of course if I can get it to the printers. We normally send it via this thing called WAMNET, which is some sort of internet super highway thingy that can deliver an entire magazine t't printers. But for some reason it isn't working, so I may find myself on a train to Brimsdowne in Middlesex (Hampstead's old county) with a disc. Expensive, old fashioned and time consuming but one things for sure, this edition's worth it! It's bleedin' marvelous and because of a strong Euro, it'll only cost you €2.00 if you're from the continent! Hoorah!

So enjoy it and I'll see you all at the Bar Room Bar A.K.A the Rosslyn Arms on Friday the 20th of June 2008 for the Hampstead Village Voice Summer Of Love Orgy!

Love, Peace & Bunga,

Emmanuell "Mustafa"  GoldStein

Friday, 2 May 2008

Mustafa Breakdown!


Our editor, Emanuelle "Mustafa" Goldstein (Seen above, disguised as an angry Arsenal baby, completely obliterating White Hart Lane) has buggered off and is no longer in charge of the Hampstead Village Voice. Indeed, our intel leads us to believe that as of April 1st 2008, he has officially ceased trading completely and was last seen heading towards Stamford Bridge on a mission to obliterate that too. Apparently he then plans to spend a year in bed to contemplate the fluff in his navel and avoid any sort of contact with Governments, corporations or Manchester Utd supporters. 

In an unofficial statement he said, "It's all too much for me. I can't walk down the bloody High Street anymore. All this media-whoring's for arse-holes. I'm turning into an arse-hole! And I even allowed those scumbags Top Four Tottenham Hotspurms to advertise in the Summer edition of my beloved magazine! For money! I'm nothing but a cheap whore! I'm worse than the Himm & Heil Express. I just can't live with myself. I used to be such a nice, laid back kind of guy. Please release me! I'm running low on precious bodily fluids...I...I...can't. These things go down. I mean they really go down!"

We're still trying to work out the last part of that statement but can assure you that the Hampstead Village Voice will not be affected by Mustafa's apparent mental and emotional breakdown. We will make sure he receives the best possible treatment and that you the precious reader will not be affected in any way.

So here's looking forward to Mustafas swift recovery and Edition 4 of the Hampstead Village Voice which will be ready...well, when it's ready. Probably June- if you're lucky.

Toodle Pip and may your breasts yield much soya.

El Consiglieri
On Behalf of the "Bored".

Wednesday, 19 March 2008

Nat West Delivery Boys Break Law!


Stop him! A security van hired by Nat West, blatantly ignores the law! Is it now acceptable for vehicles to drive on pavements and over zebra crossing zig-zags compromising public safety simply because they deliver huge amounts of money? Is there one rule for High Street Bank delivery boys and another for the rest of us?

Pictured above: Bessy, the Hampstead Village Voice bicycle narrowly escapes a credit crunching from Nat West's law breaking delivery boys. 

We've never had it so good! Don't you love it when financial institutions collapse and crumble and start freaking out because they've lost all their toys. Suddenly they think they can go around shifting goal posts and breaking laws. Even the security guards who shift Nat West Bank's wonga have started spitting their dummies out. 

A rather large security van, illegally parked on the pavement outside Nat West was in threateningly close proximity to the Hampstead Village Voice bicycle's back wheel today. So in fear of my bike's health I politely asked the security bloke whether he was indeed  allowed to park on the pavement? 

"Fuck Off" was his only reply as he locked himself into the van. 

"Charming! There's no need for that, sir!" I retorted before he came back out and grimaced menacingly at me with another rude remark.

Now even more concerned about my bike meeting with 'a nasty little accident on purpose', I waited and watched from the safety of the green grocers as the guard went in and out of the bank with Nat West's booty over a period of about 20 minutes. Bored with shivering in the cold, I eventually decided to move my bike out of harms way and, at that very moment, the Old Bill arrived and asked to have a word with me. From this I can only presume that the guard (who had pictures of West Ham Utd players on the back of his helmet) had 'grassed me up' to the local constabulary. This was a course of action I had previously considered myself but had thought better of. 

Yet, having been shopped by the Horrid Hammer, I decided to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth to the Old Bill who went and gave the blackguard a jolly good ticking off! And a good thing, too!

After all, the blighter had committed several heinous crimes in the space of only 20 minutes:

1. Driven onto a pavement, over zebra crossing zig-zags with a bloody great van.
2. Narrowly avoided damaging Hampstead Village Voice property.
3. Obstructed a public highway for twenty minutes.
4. Verbally abused a member of the public.
5. Openly supported West Ham Utd on a Hampstead highway. 
6. Grassed up a Hampstonian to the law without due reason.
7. Driven back over the pavement and zebra zig-zags to no doubt continue his wanton pillage of civilization as we know it. 

Emmanuelle "Mustafa" Goldstein.


...AND ANOTHER THING!

Furthermore one might deduce that this bounder wore the West Ham Utd player stickers on the back of his helmet as some sort of added "please don't clobber me" protection from bank robbers. His logic being that a large percentage of bank robbers are of an East End ethnic persuasion living within the vicinity of the Boleyn Ground and therefore most likely West Ham Utd supporters. 

On seeing their footballing hero's on the back of his helmet, the robbers would think to themselves- "Hang on a tick, this security guard's a Hammer! He's one of us bleeding Irons! I'd better had not whack him ruthlessly on the back of the neck with my sawn off shot gun, lest I see him up Upton Park one day".

The Hampstead Village Voice suggests the following immigration boundaries might be advisable to those wishing to frequent our beloved 'village': 

People of all persuasions, East End or otherwise are warmly welcomed to live in Hampstead or for visits, work, walks and other dalliances as long as they behave themselves in a jovial, civilized and/or gentlemanly manner. Otherwise they will be asked politely to bugger off from whence they came by our friendly constabulary! 

Inspector Clouseau.
Ministry of Love.

PS. We understand that being a security guard is a stressful and dangerous occupation, but we are not in a war zone and there is no need for mindless law breaking and inappropriate rudeness! 



   

Tuesday, 11 March 2008

Spring Party!




LET´S ALL DO THE DISCO!

This Friday the 14th of March 2008 @ ICONS, Pond Street (Conveniently located opposite the Royal Free Hospital and next to a funeral parlour- always handy after a few too many ales!)

Be there before 7pm for a free glass of bubbly.

Splendido!

Mustafa


Saturday, 23 February 2008

EDITION THREE IS IN THE SHOPS


These days you can't buy a single fag in Fowlers; Maynards has gone forever; The Owl & The Pussycat is but a mere memory now, yet Flask Walk's still there...But for how long? Would we be surprised if the council built a dual carriage way here? They seem to be spending thousands on digging up roads these days. There's hardly a road in Hampstead that hasn't got some construction company drilling away... back-handers? Hmmmm...
Edition 3 of the Hampstead Village Voice is in the shops, so off you trot and buy your copy, if only for the Hampstonian's View of the World centre page poster by Helen Cusack. It's Pop-tastic!

Tuesday, 19 February 2008

Edition three is at the printers!



Oh Yes! It's time for the third edition of Hampstead's best (well, only) satirical magazine. And it's going to be in all your favourite newsagents before you can say Buggery Basin, or at least by Monday the 25th of February, well ahead of the scheduled 1st of March release date!

This edition features a free, must have poster, The Hampstonian's View Of The World; exclusive photos of the Express Dairy; Tesco Stressco (the sequel); zebra crossings; moody fishmongers; the Wharrie Shelter, 'Ampstead 'Arry, Clive Barker; The Bronco Files (featuring Peter Cook); A trip down mammary lane; Leaf It Out Guvnor (Part II); Hampstead Favourites (The Excellent Health Company); Sexytime (feat. Our very own Angelina Miele); Fruit & Veg; Travel Section (Escape From Hampstatraz); Hampstead Faces; The Gentle Art Of Being A Pub Landlord; The Hampstead Crossword; Heathen; French Letters and News Agent Of The Year Award 2007. Plus your non-essential Rather Useful Page.

Corr Blimey! This one's a cracker! What more could anyone possibly want?

I must admit I'm terrified of old ladies approaching me in the street and yelping at me about the FCUK corporate logo being used on the front cover of edition three. The question is, can FCUK be offensive after it was brandished by a huge clothes outlet everywhere for so long? Is it in context? Is it satirical? Is it a bit rude? Well, I won't be around to find out! I'm off to Europe and civilization for a bit, so old ladies, you can put those umbrellas away for a bit. 

Toodle Pip!

Mustafa Goldstein
Editor in Exile.



Friday, 11 January 2008

Village Voice delayed by Taxman


"Now my advice for those who die, 
Declare the pennies on your eyes" 
-George Harrison.

Why the bloody hell should the editor of the Hampstead Village Voice, a dishonerable citizen of the non-sovereign state of Hampstead, have to waste his valuable time on filing a bleeding tax return to Her Majesty's Revenue & Customs? Remember this is the same Government body that recently 'lost' £800,000 squids worth of cocaine, 25 million of its citizens personal details and continues to spend Hampstonians wonga on the hopeless quest to 'normalise' some country it just bombed the crap out of and that's even further away than Chalk Farm! I ask you, does this make sense?

And now they expect us to send them all our details on some dodgy on-line form just so that a spotty twelve year old hacker can share it with all his hoodie mates at school. Crikey! You ought to read the ridiculous terms and conditions for which there is an "agree" button and a "decline" button. What's the point in that? Press "decline" and you get fined £100 quid on the spot and may serve a prison sentence: not much of a choice is it? How decent of them to ask, though. 

But if we don't pay our taxes, who's going to pay for schools I hear you whimper? Hey, if we stopped having so many children we wouldn't be so over-populated and need so many blasted schools! It's not as though kids even like going to the ruddy places. I know I didn't! I mean, who wants to be institutionalized and bossed around by a load of miserable, underpaid adults for eleven years?

Stop procreating you fools!

If we stopped having kids for , say, five years- there'd be more food, money, housing, clothes and general stuff for everyone on the planet. And I can guarantee if we limited the number of kids we had there'd be less war, earthquakes and unemployment too! Yup, you can call me mad all you like, but I reckon that's how nature/God/the Universe (call it what you will) works. It'll control population one way or the other! If we did it ourselves it wouldn't feel the need to stop us raping the planet. Plus there'd be less energy used and the human carbon footprint would automatically diminish. So don't be selfish! Wear a Johnny and put off having that child for a few years: there are more than enough human beings on the planet.

Cookie Tin

Now that one of their top men, Peter Hain, has got his fingers caught in the £100k cookie tin, I must ask, do we really trust Governments with our hard earned dosh? Do we really want a percentage of the £2 squid we spend on the Hampstead Village Voice to go to these people? Like hell we do! 

Would we rather not pay tribute to a good old fashioned Don? At least Dons are honest about being corrupt- they don't pretend to be anything else.

Worst of all, the editor of the Voice is really slow with figures and can't afford an accountant so edition three of Hampsteads favourite (er, only) magazine will be delayed by at least a week while he tries to cook the books and find enough receipts so that he won't have to contribute too much to the farce that is Her Majesty's Government.

Besides that would be against his religion- which is based on the sound and fundamental principles of Anarchy in the UK. (i.e. No Government at all!) Shit, if there wasn't a prison sentence at the end of it, would anybody pay these arse-holes?

We at the Hampstead Village Voice say it's time for mutiny! Revolution might be going a bit far- after all we are somewhat British, and it might balls up the cricket fixtures in the summer- so non-violent mutiny is the way to go! Ha Harrr Me Hartys!

Selwyn McGlomerate
Office Clerk and Abacus abuser.
Ps. How does anyone, let alone a Government department such as HMRC,  "lose" £8m squids worth of cocaine? Isn't that a little irresponsible? 'Bet someone had a nasty cold and a fat wallet on New Years Day.
 

Friday, 4 January 2008

ROMANS!


"Whatever I said it was wrong, or was taken wrong, and now there's all this..." John Lennon.

Yes, That's right, it's good old winter again. Being a devout German Jew with strong Muslim sympathies and a penchant for the distribution of wealth, I knew I was never going to be Mr. Popular around here. But hey, I've gotten my hangover out of the way and have pledged to never drink as long as I live! Like Mark Twain with smoking, I've done it successfully millions of times so should be a piece of piss! 

Plus I'm ever so slightly bored of a small minority of envious, resentful public house dwelling bullies coming up to me and spitting their drunken dummies out because they didn't think of the Hampstead Village Voice first! Blimey, I've even had the Hampstead K.K.K. on my case giving it the old 'Don't You Eye-Ball Me Boy', routine! Actual quotes include "be careful","watch it-MATE!", "who do you think you are" and "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you". There were two occasions of actually physical bodily violence against my personage (although that wasn't the K.K.K., it was the People of Hampstead Un-Popular Peoples Front: Splitters!). 

I'd like to think all this was personal but it never happened before releasing the Hampstead Village Voice so I'm afraid it looks like business. Hey, listen, ladies- just release the Hampstead Nazi Monthly or whatever, but don't come to me if you're going to be rude, threatening and violent. It's bad manners! 

To my credit, I have not reported any of this to the Romans, the King's Men or Don Vito Corleone and those involved will remain anonymous. We don't do gossip or grassing up of minor individuals here at the Voice. We leave that kind of assault for the Multinationals, Scamden and Her Majesties Government. Yet I do feel it my duty to report that bullying is not solely the domain of the hooded youth and that, alas, freedom of speech in modern day Hampstead comes with an element of risk. Ah, Freedom and Democracy: it's all the same hypocrisy.

Meanwhile the large majority of Hampstonians who've approached yours truly have been incredibly supportive and have told me how much they love the rag. Hampstonians are contributing masses of stories, photos, letters and advertising for issue three which, if I am not assassinated first, ought to be out in late February. Lots of love and to all those little girls who wanted a fight- Join the Army! 

Emmanuel "Mustafa" Goldstein (Editor in Tea Person)